One of the oldest problems in human history has always been finding a perfect language for communication. Even though we have many words at our disposal, few accurately express what we want to say, and many are not adapted to new contexts. On top of that, there is pride, fear, speech blocks, possessiveness, psychological issues, etc. Because of all these aspects, we distance ourselves from others, leaving a huge void between us and our loved ones.
But let us take a look at the way we communicate to understand better how problems in communication start in the first place.
Reluctance to Listen
At first look, we observe different types of discussions. Some quickly evolve into arguments, while others do not. What is the reason for that?
Most of the time, in an argument, people leave aside the subject they discussed and focus on being right or bringing enough arguments to win the debate. This kind of discussion often leads to personal attacks and does not end well. At some point, the arguing people only hear each other but do not listen.
When this happens usually, we stop thinking logically and switch to a defensive mode. However, this does not help us reach a solution or a compromise. Most of the time, this kind of attitude would worsen the situation and our relationships because an argument brings out the worst in us, revealing a side of our personality that isn’t necessarily pleasant.
The solution in this case is always simple. As my grandfather used to say, ‘Do not argue with a fool; otherwise, you are no better.’ Choose your audience and the people you allow close to you.
Fear
There are moments when we refuse to speak out of fear of upsetting, inconveniencing, or hurting someone. This approach is like ‘sweeping problems under the rug,’ because not talking about something doesn’t make a problem disappear.
This type of communication avoidance is often encountered in family relationships and is rooted in emotional blackmail or the fear of damaging some relationships we care about.
Pride
Pride is one of the reasons why people stop listening. Listening is often seen as an act of submission. And because of this, many, in the absence of knowledge, prefer to voice their opinion, comment, or even support a wrong idea or premise, or one they don’t truly believe in, rather than remain silent.
This phenomenon is most commonly found among those who want to integrate within a group and want to be seen as powerful or smart. In Romania, there is an old saying regarding this attitude. The saying goes like this: ‘A fool isn’t entirely a fool unless he is also vain and proud.’
But of course, we cannot generalize this behavior to everyone deciding to shout out loud. There are exceptions. For example, we have people who take an opposing stance intentionally, to identify flaws and problems in certain situations. These individuals know how to listen and seek constructive debates focused on the subject and solutions.
Possession
In possessive relationships, we are dealing with a hierarchy, an order indicating who would speak first, who’se words are to be listened and other communication rules that clearly give the decision making power to some people, and no right to express themselves to others.
The possessors grant themselves the right to an opinion, consider themselves right, and often, if the outcomes of their decisions are bad, they blame the others. The possessors always come out ‘clean’ from any situation because they define the truth, what is false, what is beautiful, what is ugly, what is fashionable, etc.
This type of relationship settles only if a person allows the possessor to adopt such an attitude.
And, there are also the ones coming from problematic life experiences. In this kind of situations we may see people with traumatic childhood experiences accepting possessive relationships because they consider them normal and because they don’t know how to act or live outside of them, as their entire life has been spent in such relationships.
Speech Difficulties
Speech difficulties are often about moments that most of us have experienced. This experience settles not only in the life of the shy people. It may simply happen in a moment when you feel you have to say something, and you really want to say something, but nothing comes to mind. And it is not about the difficulty of choosing a reaction or a topic, it is simply about a mind blockage, when you cannot focus, and it becomes so hard to focus.
But there are also the speech difficulties related to life experiences and health problems.
Biologically, a blockage is about a chemical process where conscious thinking may be slowed down because of some fears or because of a chemical balance in the brain. The thinking- speech delay can be caused by a lack of certain vitamins and minerals in the body, specific hormones or by vivid memories triggering in us a state of fear.
Conclusions
If speech impediments are something we cannot easily control, just like the childhood experiences that have shaped our communication habits, then aspects such as pride, unwillingness to listen, and the decision to step up for ourselves are something we can control.
We may try to emotionally protect someone by letting them take possessive attitudes. But we forget that such behaviors do not stop out of nowhere. And even more, through this desire and act of protecting the posessor we may do more harm than good, because we encourage others to stay in the bossy and sometimes aggressive states.
We must protect ourselves first, and allow the others to face problems by themselves and develop other coping mechanisms except possessiveness.