The way we choose our life partner depends primarily on the relationship model we saw in the family we grew up in. Also, a great impact has the social model, which most of the time is a formal model imposed by social contract. And last but not least, the way we choose our life partner is influenced by our personal experiences and the relationship models we experienced in the past. All of these, make us embrace a certain ideal we will apply when interacting with the one we are in a relationship with. What must be mentioned, however, is that all our life experiences make us build some specific criteria when we choose our partners, and everything starts with the psychological profile.
Types of people
In general, we will observe two types of people and two models of criteria when people choose a life partner. The first is about people who are not fulfilled, who are looking to develop, to grow, and therefore look for a life partner with whom they can do this. The second type is about fulfilled people, who are only looking for one last piece to their happiness puzzle. The people who belong to the second category are already developed, they grew up on their own, and they never saw their life partner as something important to help them develop in the other spheres of life. Consequently, they will often exclude their life partner from any activities outside the family domain.
Of course, we have other types of relationships, which are rooted in psychological problems, and personal imbalances and are harmful relationships (based on financial dependence, childhood traumas, relationships maintained with psychological traumas, etc.). We will discuss this type of relationship in another article.
Criteria for choosing life partners
We must realize that when we choose our life partner, the criteria mentioned in this article are mostly subconscious, that is, our choice is rather a manifestation of instincts and our life experiences than a conscient choice. Besides these, there are other aspects such as pheromones, which have a major impact on the so-called chemistry in the relationship.
Also, the search for a life partner must be understood as a purely biological aspect that is regulated by hormones and our degree of physical development. Since this search is triggered, we initiate a set of criteria for selecting and testing the life partner to make sure that he or she is the “one” or the “unique”.
Criterion 1: Proof of competence
Just as we initiate a relationship so later we can build a family, each of us will test our life partner in areas that we consider vital to the stability of the relationship. The most verified aspects are respect, fidelity, commitment, seriousness, gentleness, the ability to prioritize family life, the ability to take actions necessary to help the family, taking care of others in times of illness, taking care of children, cooking – a take over the tasks of the other in the moments when the other cannot exercise them.
We make personal lists of criteria based on which we check our life partners. This list depends a lot on the role model relationship we saw at our parents. If it was normal for our fathers to cook, then we will look for a man capable of doing this. If we saw that our father treated our mother with respect then we will look for such a partner with whom we can exercise this behavior.
For a healthy relationship, it is important to understand, however, that family is a necessity for both partners. Therefore, this must be the result of the contribution of both. Otherwise, it will become the 24/7 work of one partner and a perfect place to retreat for the other. Consequently, when one partner does not work on the relationship so much, he does not value the relationship as the one that invests time and energy to make it work. From here lots of relationship problems (a subject we will discuss in another article).
The family represents a stable place for all its members, but for it to be appreciated it must also be the result of all members’ contributions. The stability of our family is necessary for our emotional security, and it matters a lot in the case of those who are centered on family, on social relations. However, things differ in the case of those focused on professional life and success.
In the case of those who are already fulfilled in all areas, except family, the family will often become the last aspect they will want to check. The decision to choose a life partner, in this case, does not consider too many criteria. It is all about ‘themselves’, how ‘they’ are seen, and how the partner will make ‘them’ look; often the partner is treated like a property of the fulfilled one.
The fulfilled ones often look for someone who aims to dedicate all their time to family, given that they do not intend to contribute emotionally or cognitively to the relationship. They would like to have a family, yet their contribution is often about the necessary material resources. This implies that the fulfilled ones look for someone who does not show proof of similar skills to theirs- they are not looking for competition, they just want someone to make a family for them.
Criterion 2: Debating decisions
Most of the time we are not sure about our decisions, especially after childhood and adolescence where we learned and made lots of mistakes. So, we need somebody to check, debate and discuss the pros and cons of crucial decisions, especially the ones affecting our future. This has a great psychological impact starting with the division of responsibility in the couple and respectively the sharing of blame in case of wrong decisions.
Here we are also talking about the importance of choosing a cognitively and psychologically compatible partner to guarantee similarities and logic in choices and actions. For example, there will be situations when our partners will make decisions without us, or even for us. So, we would like to know that we are choosing a partner who is able to think as closely as possible to us so we can trust their decisions and in the hands of which we trust to put our life.
Criterion 3: Stability
Family is one of the basic needs of an adult. This is, and should normally be, the last pillar of personal life that remains standing when others fall. Meaning that, if we have problems with health, security, our job, friends, problems integrating into society, or ones related to self-esteem, etc., then the family would be the stable pillar to which we return to gather forces and start over. For this reason, family is the construct in which most of us invest the most resources (time, emotions, knowledge, and money).
Consequently, when we are looking for a life partner, we check how serious they are about committing to keep the family united in any circumstances.
In the case of fulfilled ones, family stability can be more or less important depending on personal values. For many, this aspect matter only for the business, and the image, or may even constitute an important need (which is why some businessmen choose devoted and serious wives, cable to take over their activity and ensure continuity in all areas of their life). For others, however, family is not a necessary construct, which is why they withdraw into temporary relationships and adventures (starting from the fear of commitment, stability, seriousness, or of losing someone, etc.).
Criterion 4: Balance
Although it seems that we choose life partners who have a relatively similar character to ours, on a closer look we will notice that relationships are based on a vital game. This game is about the exchange between degrees and states of mind such as seriousness, paranoia, optimism, etc. Relationships, in general, must be balanced. Whether we are talking about friendships or relationships between two life partners; these are maintained if the two parties know and do exchange roles. Meaning, it can be tiring for one to always be worried about everything. This role must be periodically taken over by the other partner for the psychological release of the one who usually holds this role. Also, it is difficult to live with a man who is always optimistic and joking, especially in moments when serious and realistic decisions have to be made.
Subconsciously, when we choose our life partner, we check if he is able to juggle different moods, control different emotional states, and manage various situations logically. This is crucial for making a stable family and raising children. Kids need different models of personality and character to learn from, but also they need their parents to have a balanced relationship so as to face properly their emotional stages, guide them in life, and help them grow.
Criterion 5: Challenge
This criterion is probably one of the most ignored, but it is the frequent reason why relationships cease to exist. When we say challenge, we mean the ability of the partners to maintain a balance between exposing personal information, giving affection, and keeping the distance.
Every person needs personal space, meaning time and place where we can retreat periodically to reorganize our thoughts and ideas, to self-evaluate, analyze situations, and see things from a personal perspective.
Usually, a relationship implies an advanced level of personal exposure. However, one must know how to draw and respect the boundaries of personal privacy. Each of us sometimes feels the need to be alone, to retreat to a place where we are not watched and judged by anyone, where no expectations are created so that we can simply be. When these limits are violated, there is a feeling of suffocation and most of the time the partner who feels suffocated will leave the relationship.
Why do we call this criterion a challenge? Because it is a challenge for partners to resist the feeling of filling the void with even more affection, and it is a challenge for those who have drifted away to return with affection, especially when they distanced too much.
In short, this is about giving the other the chance to show their attention and to contribute to the relationship. It is not that one cannot do everything and love for both, it is just that when one loves too much, the other feels meaningless in the relationship.
This criterion is vital for a good relationship. We have to know when to take more steps towards the other (for example when he is sick, or when he has problems in other spheres of life), but also when to step back, give them space and the chance to do something in their way.
